I like to make plans, he doesn't. What now? - dating space love | Ask MetaFilter
Planners vs. Spontaneous People. One of the reasons I don't get involved in Pair- Bonding or Serial every day, it's easy enough to carry on several of these “ relationships” at a time. . So, are you spontaneous, or a planner?. I get anxious easily, and I feel uncomfortable in situations where I don't know exactly what's going on or what the plan is. I'm a big fan of plans. I, the non-planner in the relationship, just finished reading this, whether it's spontaneously ducking into a place we've never seen or been to.
The only time I know these things for sure is when I get booked to work on-site for a client.
Just do it! How to be spontaneous and stop planning life to the nth degree
This means I might be working at 3am and sleeping at 1pm. I might work all the way through Saturday and Sunday and then have the weekdays completely to myself.
Chicks are my high. Mixing all these elements together. My taste in chicks is different from day to day… Really, from minute to minute. The end of the night can be a complete ZERO, whereas the guy who pair-bonded is gleefully reading books with his girlfriend like he likes to do every single evening. This is also what I enjoy about spontaneous days.
GenXSmartie: What Happens When Non-Planners & Planners Date?
After I write this, I might edit a video I shot yesterday. I might hang out with a friend for lunch. I might go out later this evening. I might be contacted for emergency work that someone needs done by tomorrow and agree to spend my day making that happen.
Planners vs. Spontaneous People
One weekend a month or so, she will leave completely open. This way she is able to plan to spend time with me, without having to know exactly what we are doing.
We might go out of town, go out to dinner, or just stay at home and enjoy each other's company. Whatever we feel like. She's OK with it because it is "planned" time, but at the same time I'm not under pressure to commit to a certain event weeks in advance.
How to Deal With Spontaneous Situations When You're A Planner and Maybe a Bit Anxious Too
Then figure out what part of the planner is obsessive and controlling, and what part of the spontaneous one is irresponsible and lazy, and use what's left constructive non-rigid planning; ability to see opportunities that might comes up as the basis for working out a compromise approach to doing things. Relationships that are going to last a long time often require serious compromises on each individual's part. WanKenobi is willing to go along with plans if I insist on making them.
That way, I'm secure in the fact that every Friday or Tuesday or Wednesday or whatever, we'll be spending time together, and I can plan other events around that. The compromise there is that if his friends want to do something, or something comes up, we talk about it. I try to be as laid back as I can I'm a typical anal retentive Capricorn, so it's tough! In which case, of course I'm understanding--and if I can move my own plans around to accommodate that, I'm happy to.
She writes it in her calendar, and strikes it through when it's over. I still think she's crazy, but it seems to work. My partner and I talk about this in Myers Briggs terms: It drove me nuts!
We never came to ground on it at all, and it was a major contributing factor to us breaking up.
I'm not sure it's something that can really be effectively overcome, and certainly in my case it was indicative of a fundamental and now laughable incompatibility with that guy. My only advice would be to try and split up the week between planned and spontaneous times - keep your weeknights free, and let him decide when he wants to hang out, even if he waits till the last minute to decide, and then plan your weekends ahead.
The trouble with this though is that you may end up wasting opportunities for other social occasions, because you're effectively "on standby", waiting for your bf to make a decision. Or just make your other plans, and let him choose among the left-overs of your week.
For me at least, it was something that I couldn't deal with in the end, and I'm happy to be rid of that situation, and in a far better one. Until this relationship, I've dated people who are planners like I am so I've never dealt with this before.
Adding to the issue, we both have friends who agree with our points of view and don't think either of us should compromise. PhoBWanKenobi, do you have any hints or methods on how to remain laid back when plans change? I've yet to master that skill and I'm pretty anal retentive too. I suggest you avoid using such negative, critical language as aught suggests. You just have different needs, which in no means calls for the level of name-calling and finger-pointing suggested by aught.
That said, I think you are otherwise getting good advice in the thread and I endorse it. The compromise seems obvious, though I know that's always easier to say when you are on the outside looking in. Simply ask him to agree to schedule SOME specific outings with you, and offer to agree to leave SOME dates with nothing planned where you are open to last-minute plans from him.
I've been working on being "less crazy" read: Let's see--this came up two weeks ago. We have date nights on Friday and he wanted to go to a bar to watch the first Jets preseason game.
He's a huge Jets fan, and there was no reason not to move the date night, but I did have a sort of sulky initial reaction. So I told him I'd think about it, went and did something else for a bit rather than continuing the conversation unproductively, and genuinely thought it over. This wouldn't work, of course, if he wasn't also understanding about who I was I'd be a wreck if he asked to move dates around all the timebut, even if this is just a warm-up to more conversations and more inner reflection on your own emotions and insecurities, it's well worth it.
I think this is excellent, and I would add one other caveat. Make the "nothing" days open to doing "nothing" with or without your partner. So if he's so spontaneous that he has last-minute plans that don't include you, you're not hurt, you just switch to watching five marathons of America's Next Top Model in a row while eating Taco Bell that last bit might just be what I'd do.
- If you are a planner, can you have a serious relationship or a marriage with a n
- Just do it! How to be spontaneous and stop planning life to the nth degree
I do some of the things mentioned above planned "free days" and suchbut in addition to that, I give him access to my Google Calendar so that he can check out what my schedule is like at a moment's glance. My whole life is synched with that thing, via my iPhone, so that seems to work out well. After a few weeks of him being disappointed that most of the time I was in fact, NOT free to grab a last-minute bite to eat or to catch a movie in 30 minutes' time, he started making plans with me.
Planners tend to be extremely busy people who need to plan in order to both see their friends as well as be productive and functional adults. However if you have tons of free time and are a planner just because you're kind of anal about knowing everything that might ever happen to you in advance, I'd say try to chill out a bit.
I think that if your boyfriend balks at planning date nights or whatever, that you might want to demonstrate to him that your free time fills up fast, and when he doesn't make specific plans to see you then he doesn't get to see you as much. Then get busy and hang out with your other friends, do volunteer work, schedule training sessions at the gym, whatever. It might work for you-- it did for me. Now my boyfriend and I live together and have a really healthy mix of planning specific activities as well as being spontaneous.
It's just a compromise thing, overall. Things with my boyfriend and I are similar to what np describes. For my part, I suppressed my planning instinct enough that he only had to pick his nights a week or two in advance instead of say, a month.
That is to say, if I planned things a month or two in advance, I'd only plan things when I knew I still had most of the weeknights free. That way, a week or two in advance I could say to him, "I'm busy next Thursday.